SECRETS - PLAYA BLANCA

LET’S START AT THE TOP — QUITE LITERALLY — WITH A SOARING RATTAN-LACED LOBBY THAT FLIRTS WITH OPEN-AIR ELEGANCE. THE VIEW? IMPECCABLE. THE BREEZE? OCCASIONAL. AND WHILE I ADMIRE THE ALFRESCO AMBITION, THE TROPICAL HEAT WAS NOT JUST SAYING HELLO — IT WAS SHOUTING IN SPANISH AND FANNING ITSELF WITH A RESORT MAP.

STILL, BEING USHERED INTO THE WELCOME LOUNGE FELT SOOTHING, LIKE SECRETS WAS LEANING IN FOR A SOFT WHISPER, NOT A GRAND GESTURE. NOT UNDERWHELMING, NOT OVERWHELMING. JUST... BALANCED.

MY ROOM? AN UNDERSTATED DREAM. THOUGH SLIGHTLY MORE COMPACT THAN I TYPICALLY INDULGE IN, THE AESTHETIC WAS REFINED AND CALMING, BEFITTING OF A QUICK 8-DAY RESET. THE BED — PLUSH, CLOUD-LIKE, AND KISSED ME WITH A WHISPER OF MINIMALIST LUXURY — PRACTICALLY BEGGED ME TO CANCEL ALL PLANS.

THE VIEW OF THE SWIM-OUT POOL WAS PLEASANTLY PRIVATE, MORE HUSH-HUSH ROMANCE THAN SPLASHY VEGAS. BUT DARLING, CAN WE PLEASE RETIRE THE TREND OF OPEN TUBS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUITE? EVEN WHEN SOLO, I PREFER TO BATHE LIKE ROYALTY — BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, PREFERABLY WITH A SCENTED CANDLE AND A FIRM SENSE OF SECLUSION.

A FEW MISSTEPS: THE MINI-BAR LEFT ME FEELING LIKE I WAS ON A LOW-CALORIE CLEANSE I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR. NO SNACKS IN SIGHT — WHICH IS EITHER AN ACT OF CRUELTY OR AN ATTEMPT TO HELP ME SLIP BACK INTO MY POST-HOLIDAY WARDROBE.

THE SPA, HOWEVER, WAS JUST STEPS AWAY FROM MY SUITE — AND THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT, BECAUSE THE BEACH SUN NEARLY SMOTE ME DURING A SHORT STROLL. A TEN-MINUTE JAUNT TURNED INTO A SIZZLING SPF-FAILURE THAT LEFT ME PINK AND POUTING. LEARN FROM ME: REAPPLY OR REGRET.

THE SPA ITSELF? EXQUISITE. MY MASSAGES WERE INDULGENT — DEEP, INTUITIVE, AND DELIVERED WITH THE KIND OF GRACE YOU WANT IN A VACATION THERAPIST. WERE THEY OVERPRICED? FOR SURE. BUT AREN’T ALL THE BEST GUILTY PLEASURES?

FOOD-WISE, SECRETS CAME TO CORRECT. ABOUT 70% OF WHAT I TASTED RANGED FROM SOLID TO SUBLIME — AND BORDEAUX? LET’S JUST SAY WE WERE IN A PASSIONATE AFFAIR FOR THE DURATION OF MY STAY. I RETURNED MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO ADMIT AND I’D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. THE COCKTAIL PROGRAM LEANED HEAVILY INTO SPECIALTY INFUSIONS. NOT GROUNDBREAKING, BUT ENJOYABLE — ESPECIALLY THE ONE DOTTED WITH PASSION FRUIT SEEDS, WHICH I PRACTICALLY INHALED LIKE EDIBLE PEARLS.

SERVICE? DELIGHTFUL. TIMELY. AND FOR ONCE, I WASN’T LEFT TAPPING A WELL-MANICURED NAILS ON THE TABLE. WHILE I DID OVERHEAR A FEW GRUMBLES FROM LARGER GROUPS ABOUT FOOD DELAYS, I HAD NO COMPLAINTS — PERHAPS BECAUSE I TRAVELED AS A PARTY OF ONE AND NOT A CONVENTION OF TWELVE.

IN TERMS OF VALUE, THIS WAS AN UNDENIABLE WIN. THE PRICING MADE IT FEEL LIKE I WAS GETTING AWAY WITH SOMETHING — LUXURY WITHOUT THE LECTURE FROM MY FINANCIAL ADVISOR. AND HONESTLY, WHAT MADE THE EXPERIENCE LINGER IN MEMORY WAS HOW WELL-MAINTAINED THE ENTIRE PROPERTY WAS. YES, IT’S NEW, AND YES, THAT SHOULD BE THE BARE MINIMUM — BUT SECRETS PLAYA BLANCA FELT THOUGHTFULLY DESIGNED, ESPECIALLY IN CONTRAST TO SOME OF ITS... LESS INSPIRED SISTER PROPERTIES.

WOULD I RETURN? POSSIBLY. I’VE BEEN KNOWN TO AVOID REPEATS LIKE LAST SEASON’S HANDBAGS. BUT SECRETS? SHE MAY HAVE EARNED HERSELF A SECOND GLANCE.

THERE’S A CERTAIN HUSH THAT FALLS OVER YOU AT SECRETS PLAYA BLANCA—A STILLNESS NOT BORN OF SILENCE, BUT OF BALANCE. FROM THE SOFT WHOOSH OF PALM FRONDS OVERHEAD TO THE GENTLE LAP OF WATER IN YOUR SWIM-OUT POOL, THE ENTIRE RESORT HUMS WITH AN ELEGANT QUIETUDE. IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE THAT DOESN'T NEED TO SHOUT LUXURY; IT WHISPERS IT—THROUGH CLEAN LINES, THOUGHTFUL LANDSCAPING, AND A TEMPO THAT INVITES YOU TO SLOW DOWN AND SAVOR. HERE, EVEN TIME SEEMS TO LOOSEN ITS GRIP, LETTING YOU DRIFT BETWEEN MOMENTS RATHER THAN MARCH THROUGH THEM.

RATING: 4 OUT OF 5 PRIVACY-COMPROMISING BATHTUBS
MOST SURPRISING HIGHLIGHT: A SINGLE PASSION FRUIT COCKTAIL THAT LIVED RENT-FREE IN MY MIND
WHAT I’D PACK NEXT TIME: A STRONGER SPF AND A STASH OF SNACKS

XOXOX